Diet Pep-cis, or my relationship to gender is
Steven C. Wright

a stupid pun, it’s an uncocked gun, it’s|
an aspartame rush, it’s a passive shrug, it’s
a lazy judge, it’s a weak gavel bang, it’s
a litany of sludge, it’s a wet rag wrung, it’s
a benign tumor, it’s a false rumor, it’s
a wildfire, it’s work (but I’m too tired), it’s

fear (but I’ve forgotten), it’s
broken rhymes in double time, it’s
what I want, it’s what I can’t, it’s
what I know, it’s what I don’t, it’s
killing me, it’s eating her(?), it’s
hair loss, it’s a hairline fracture, it’s

gimme more, it’s Britney Spears, it’s
give me less, it’s a credible threat, it’s
poison seeping, it’s disease spreading, it’s
one two three four five six seven panes of glass, it’s
eight pains in the ass, it’s nine separate cardiac events, it’s
counting to ten, it’s in bed by eleven, it’s

a midnight drunk, it’s a midsummer dream, it’s
Shakespeare, it’s caveman, it’s
cave art, it’s the writing on the wall, it’s
religious text, it’s blasphemy, it’s
Jesus Christ, it’s sacrilege, it’s
losing weight, it’s gaining it, it’s

coughing up daisies, it’s chewing on foxgloves, it’s
fantasy, it’s fantasia, it’s
Zero Sugar Fanta-cis, it’s
affect fucking, it’s
straight up exhausting. It’s
unclear to me; it’s
aphantasia.

Goldilocks zone / Identity limbo
Steven C. Wright

My heart feels like it’s skipping, and not in a good way. I got off the treadmill hours ago. I do cardio for the right reasons, with the wrong framing. I’m lazy and I don’t feel good, but I think losing weight will clear my pores. I think it will fix my hairline. I think it will fix my dry eyes. I left a humidifier on all day, but I cleaned it with the wrong sponge, and now my lungs feel heavy. Heavy with bacteria? I have been sorta sick for 2 years. I have been sorta sick in the head for 20. I’m too tired to find a doctor and too scared to see one, but a doctor could help me from feeling tired and scared. I don’t not have the money, but it’s not my money. I hate double negatives. I hate my body, but I don’t want to love it. One time, mom said that I would make a pretty girl. If I became a pretty girl, she would become a nightmare. I have never been a pretty girl, but I think about it every week. I have never been a pretty girl, but I have wanted to be wanted like one. I want to be touched, but I don’t want to be felt. I want to be held, but I don’t want to be grabbed. I don’t want to be fucked, but I keep wanting a dick in my mouth. My bed is too small to fuck on. Some porridge is too hot for my tongue. Some porridge is too hot for my hands. What I’m saying is, masturbation is bad cardio. I do cardio for the right reasons, with the wrong framing. I’m lazy and I don’t feel good, but I think losing weight will clear my pores and fix my hairline. I think testosterone is clogging my pores and fucking my hairline. I think cardio will clear my pores and fix my hairline. I think being a pretty girl could clear my pores and fix my hairline. I want to be a pretty girl for the ??? reasons, with the ??? framing. If I were a pretty girl, she wouldn’t be a nightmare. I don’t want to be a nightmare, but I don’t want to be a dream. My bed is too small and my eyes are too dry. I think losing weight will make my bed bigger. I think cardio will fix my dry eyes. My lungs are too heavy because the sponge was too dirty. I think being a pretty girl could fix my lungs. I don’t feel good, but I don’t want to feel too good. If I could change, I could feel better; but I don’t want to change just to feel better. My heart feels like it’s skipping, and not in a good way. It beats too fast. I move too slow. I am not a pretty girl. I am bad cardio.